Felix Holton on Producing, Playing Coachella, and Dealing with Post-tour Depression
Felix Holton is, undeniably, a wizard on the drums. From performing at Coachella and touring with musicians like BENEE and Bea Miller by night to producing music and teaching drum lessons by day, the New Zealand native has found his footing on the Los Angeles playground.
With his fingers in many pies at once, one rarely catches a musical nomad like Felix Holton in day of light, as he is most likely off on a roller-coaster ride of shows, cities, states and borders. But on a regular day in January this year– during a cocooning period in the music world when shows and tours weren't happening just yet–we were lucky enough to catch up with the dynamic drummer.
We talked all things imposter syndrome, how to navigate the slow season as a musician, post-tour depression and anxiety, stepping out of your comfort zone, moving to LA for music, as well as doing what you love as your career and learning how to keep loving it when it becomes a way to support yourself financially.
Sparky: Felix, what's up!? What has been going on in your world lately?
Felix: What's up! I am good, thanks! I mean, in terms of the touring world, it is so quiet right now. I'm like, f***, I need another tour soon!
Sparky: Besides not touring, you have still been managing to keep yourself busy. Tell us about your remix of Grayson Gilmour's track "Day Moon."
Felix: Grayson Gilmour was actually my lecturer at Massey University in my final year. It was the year we had to work on final project–my project was an EP, which was the first time I had written and produced my own work. Grayson was super encouraging with that process when I first started. So, it was a cool, full-circle moment for him to turn around three years later and ask me to do this with him!
Sparky: I feel like your identity is known as "the drummer." How has it been stepping out of your comfort zone and doing something different?
Felix: The moment I start thinking, "I'm a drummer" or "I'm a producer", I stop doing the other things that also make me happy. It is much harder to release something that feels like it's not your thing or what you're best at. I have anxieties with drumming, but it is much less than producing. Sometimes, I don't even know right to wrong when I sit down to produce. When making this remix–something I had never done before–it took me quite a few weeks of going through different ideas to figure out how to tackle it.
Sparky: And what was the inspiration?
Felix: I was watching a lot of skateboard videos on YouTube at the time. In particular, one brand called PALACE makes sick videos shot with a fisheye lens and has Jungle music and 80s drum and bass playing in the background. I thought: "I wanna make the remix kinda like that!"
Sparky: Musicians are taking on new disciplines and doing a whole bunch of things these days. They're not just songwriting; they're directing their music videos and doing the makeup and set. You can keep going and going–I think that's what is so awesome about it.
Felix: That is also a product of music, at least these days; you must be well-rounded. To make a living, you've got to do other things.
Sparky: As we have just stepped into 2024, how has the last year been for you as a musician?
Felix: 2023 was a really good year. The biggest thing for me was moving to the States. The whole process of getting an O-1 Visa was much larger than I ever expected... But here I am! LA is officially my new home. However, I do wake up with anxiety every morning–I think that is just the imposter syndrome kicking in, lol. Oh, and playing Coachella was for sure a childhood dream of mine!
Sparky: Would you say that was your proudest moment as a performer?
Felix: It was one of the best shows we have ever played. As a band, we tend to be so hard on ourselves. We always come off stage, saying, "That part could've been better," or "My shoulder hurt during the intro." Just little things that you are hyper-aware of when you're playing. But when we hopped off stage after this show, we were all high! We were all so locked in during the show because so much prep went into it, and we knew how much of a big deal it was. As soon as we started playing the intro to "KOOL" – with these big stabs that hyped the crowd up– Dylan [guitarist, fellow member of BENEE live band] and I looked at each other and were like: "Dang, this show is going to be fun!" Overall, it went so well. If it had gone wrong, it would not have been great. You don't want to have a shit show at Coachella, haha.
Sparky: As a musician–or any creative–I think it is easy to be super self-critical.
Felix: For sure. There is also a point during the tour when everything gets weird. Usually around show number 35.
Sparky: You're probably delusional and very sleep-deprived.
Felix: Yeah, you start playing without even realizing it.
Sparky: Like when you've been on a long road trip, and by the fifth hour, you start to zone out, and you're like: "Shit, have I really been driving for the last hour?"
Felix: Yeah, you're like, did I, like, hit a child? Haha.
Sparky: Today aside, what was the touring like in 2023?
Felix: I did a lot of touring with BENEE in the middle of the year. We did a few festivals around Australia and New Zealand. We had dispersed tours. We would go to Japan for a day and then to Korea for a day. But we had these little breaks in between, so it was like a big extended holiday. Then, at the end of the year, I went on tour with Bea Miller. It was the first time I had gone on tour with another artist, which meant the first time learning many new songs and working with an all-American crew. It was such a valuable experience. It was f*** ing scary, but I was relieved that it all went well.
Sparky: With new and unknown things, our brain likes to tell us that you can't do it. You have drummed for BENEE for so long, and so, it's like clockwork for you; you can do that in your sleep.
Felix: Exactly! And it becomes part of you. I hadn't had to use that part of my brain for learning new songs in so long. We'd get given a couple of new songs for BENEE once a month. But when I was working with a musical director for this new crew, they were like, "Okay, here are just over 20 songs that you should just learn, not that you're going to play any of them, but just in case the artist decides to change the set list around."
Sparky: And how do you practice?
Felix: Currently, I don't have a private space in LA where I can play my drums. I have been living with my girlfriend. So, I have this practice pad set up in the same formation as drum kit. And we live in a studio apartment. There was a moment every day when we'd do this thing where she'd put on her Apple Airpod Max noise-cancelling headphones, and I'd quickly burn out a couple of songs and try to learn them.
Sparky: Haha. You make it work with what you've got!
Felix: Exactly. It's called Kiwi ingenuity!
Sparky: Now, you are pretty open with your mental health on social media. How do you navigate post-tour depression?
Felix: I always associated the highs and lows with the experience during the tour. The highs are when you're performing a show, and the lows are when you're not playing because it's quiet. But I honestly felt the lows after the tour ended. You get back home after two months of feeling extremely valuable and like your purpose was used daily. Then, when you hop off, you're like, "I have nothing."
Sparky: You're going from 100 to 0 real quick.
Felix: Totally. A lot of close music homies always mention the importance of routine. So I've been running and cooking daily and learning one thing on the drums and one thing unrelated to music. It's all about having lots of little things consistently filling up your cup.
Sparky: I think no matter what you do in life (whether that's playing shows at Coachella or working a boring-ass corporate 9-5), as long as you have your basics down packed, those are the things that are going to bring you back down to earth and ground you. But I know it is hard to find balance when you combine what you love and do for work.
Felix: For sure! Suddenly, you're taking what you usually do after work because it gives you a cathartic release–to pay your rent. I get how it is very easy for music or any art to turn into a job and just a job. But I always remember to take it back to day one. My mum reminds me that when I was growing up, I'd say, "I just want to be a drummer; I don't care what else I do; I don't care if I'm poor. I want to play drums forever because I enjoy nothing else as much."
Sparky: It is always a good reminder to stop yourself and pause for a moment. And be like: “Wait, this moment is what I have been dreaming about and envisioning for so long, and now im actually f***ing doing it!”
Felix: Forget about all the bullshit, forget about what day rate you’re getting paid for this moment. If you strip back all that stuff and look at it for what it is, you remember exactly why you did it in the first place. If you love something enough, you'll make it work.
You can find Felix Holton and his work on Instagram @felixholton.
Written By Rosa-Lee O’Reilly
